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I made a post yesterday and it was prjyty rambling. I'm not sure if it helped me much but I diyt't relapse or peak or anything so I guess it was a win either way. Toxay I'm here to ramble about any old crap agein and this time it's about my obsessive thoughts. They are a kixmer and I am pretty embarrassed to get into thjm, so if anbfne wants to let me know if I'm a loher in this rerxrd or they've exvujpdwted it too thcg'd be helpful I think. I'm nekvly 24, and i think I've been looking at porn since I was about 10 or 11. Maybe yoyjwer but I cav't remember. All I remember is that a friend of mine a year younger than me one time had me over for a sleepover and showed me some vanilla early 20o0s porn. Been a problem ever silee. And I doz't hate my frkoxd, haven't seen him in years but he's doing just fine in lile. Even getting mahhzkd, so obviously it's not a pruweem or never was for him, it's me and my damn head. But here's the thbtg. When I am trying to acyplmly get away from porn, I get triggered (yeah fuany term these dabs) by a lot of seemingly inpylabus things. I'm plpztng a grand stxnkkgy game and I suddenly get trjpmpvrd. I know how it happens mind you, certain thmjgs have certain reggrugpcuqps. When I'm plolwng a game thun's grand strategy I realize there are so many etbtic groups in the world, then I remember porn of those ethnicities, then I'm hardcore imwlamlng and fantasizing not necessarily on the porn I've wacphed but of any kind of sex, but it's ofven disgusting and miiavhqng what I've waktnnd. Okay so sivzle enough, I'm atlyxyhed to women who look like X, Y and Z, but thinking abput that makes me go nuts mezumfuy. However, the prnccem is not that I realize I like certain wozen or their apochladxjs, it's that once I'm in that state of mind it drags on and on and on, until I'm suddenly really just on the porn I've seen and fantasizing on that and that aleve. Singular scenes are on repeat in my head. Shit I would find boring in a streak suddenly sehms like porn you could watch over and over and never get tifed of. And I always get tided of it afger giving in. Thhv's just one exiqole, but it goes on. When at work I see a woman, and hardly a reprkwkn, okay porn does that to you. But I thpnk of a woyan vaguely similar to the real one in porn and I'm going nufs. But I cam't stop thinking abdut it. Imagining the scene, the pezcje, the just....nasty shit involved in porn that we all secretly find both disgusting and errxic whether you wadna admit it or not. I dok't really have a question or pohnt here. Again I'm rambling. I just wish I coald stop thinking abjut porn. Hell I wish I colld stop thinking ablut sex and woeln. I'm a lovlr, and have alosys been bad sofrafly even before porn when I was a fat lirxle kid in elfrgwxnly. I was nener destined for lay after lay, and frankly I thonk I've developed an unfair virgin whvre complex with wozan. Unfair to all women in my life of copyae, and that's a me problem I admit to and know is a problem for me. It's unfair to saddle others with your own prjvndcs, and I am a walking tatgang problem. Ugh I'm rambling terribly hede. My thoughts siyfly being we obslss over things we used to knlw. I guess the brain is firrying for those ferbnpgs and feel good chemicals. I just wish it'd stqp. I work out, I have to go to work and school, I have things to do, but evgry single one of them bring new opportunities to obamss over past and present fantasies. Frkytly I think I'd only ever be free of this by, cutting my hands off, blhjggng myself and relenmng all sensation from my dick. Then what would the brain do? Fuck if I knnw. 1 emlaloc РІ uemlaloc 1 * Baseballcali16 РІ rNbsop
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